Kevin McCarthy Talks About His First Time

McCarthy: My first time was in an outhouse outside Bakersfield, California. 

Interviewer: Wasn’t it a little cramped? 

McCarthy: Not after I kicked the goat out. 

Interviewer: I see. You must tell me all about it. 

McCarthy: I never really expected to make it with Mom, but then after she showed all the other guys in town such a good time, I figured, “What the hell!” 

Interviewer: But your mom? Isn’t that a bit odd? 

McCarthy: I don’t think so. Looks don’t mean that much to me in a woman. 

Interviewer: Go on. 

McCarthy: Well, we were drunk off our God-fearing asses on Campari, ginger ale, and soda—that’s called a Fire and Brimstone—at the time. And Mom looked better than a Baptist whore with a $100 donation.

Interviewer: Campari in the crapper with Mom . . . how interesting. Well, how was it? 

McCarthy: The Campari was great, but Mom passed out before I could come. 

Interviewer: Did you ever try it again? 

McCarthy: Sure . . . lots of times. But not in the outhouse. Between Mom and the shit, the flies were too much to bear. 

Interviewer: We meant the Campari. 

McCarthy: Oh, yeah, I always get sloshed before I go out to the pulpit. You don’t think I could lay down all that bullshit sober, do you?

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