The Aristocrats (NSFW)
A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”
The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”
The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”
Well, the rest of the family saunters off to the side except for the father and the pet K-9. The wife shoots a small spotlight onto the father as he drops his pants and starts fucking the dog. As the father fucks the dog (rather vigorously I might add), the children play Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’ on kazoos.
The father pulls out, and cums all over the dog, leaving wads of ejaculates in his fur, and as he places the dog down, none of his four legs can support him. So the father takes out a handgun, and shoots the dog in the head, at which point the children play on their kazoos ‘Another One Bites The Dust.’
Then the two children come over and cry over the dead body of their beloved family pet, and the father gathers their tears in a small cup. He then flips the daughter over, lubes up her ass with the tears, and starts reaming her, even more feverishly than the dog. In fact, because he’s fucking her so hard, she starts to bark like the dog, to which the father starts screaming, “Yeah, you’re my four-legged bitch. Bark bitch! Bark!” Now, you might be saying, how could he get that much lubrication with just the tears of children, but you’ve got to remember that his penis was already pretty well lubricated with all the blood from fucking the dog.
At this point, the son is playing, ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot,’ and then the mother gets into the act. She gets down on all fours and starts blowing her son. She first tries to make it visual, by using her fingers, as you would on a flute, but then she just sucks her son’s cock like there’s no tomorrow. She’s sucking her son’s young, pre-pubescent wiener as if she were a diabetic, and the last insulin on Earth was in her son’s semen. She’s sucking her son’s adolescent phallus, just like when Mel Gibson was sucking every circumcised penis he could find after he got his DUI. As a result of which, the son takes his kazoo, and starts playing, ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’
So the entire family is sucking and fucking, and sucking and fucking, and suddenly, in the middle of the chorus of Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire,’ the son breaks his kazoo. He goes into a wild rage, runs over to the father and starts fisting him, screaming, “This is for September 11th!” And he shoves his arm in all the way up to his elbow. The mother, not to be upstaged by the son, picks up her daughter’s kazoo, plays ‘I’m Singing in the Rain’ straddles the daughter, and pees all over her back. The mother then lies down in front of her daughter, and shoves her daughter’s face directly into her pussy. So they’re sucking and fucking as one giant assembly line of sucking and fucking, gyrating like a carburetor.
Then the mother and father start screaming out racial epithets. The father screams out, “Michael Richards was right; niggers don’t have any decency interrupting a white man speaking!” Then the mother says, “At least they’re not as bad as those lazy spics, who are killing America with illegal immigration!” And then the father goes, “Well, we wouldn’t even have these problems if it weren’t for those rag-head terrorists!” The father breaks character and as an aside to the agent says, “Oh, don’t worry, we don’t attack the Asians because they’re a hard working people.” Then the father returns to the scene, as the family continues sucking and fucking, and sucking and fucking. Then, the son starts to perform the Chris Rock routine, “There’s like a civil war goin’ on with black people; And there two sides….; There’s black people, and there’s niggers; And niggers have got to go.”
So the entire family is sucking and fucking, and just as the son finishes the Chris Rock routine, the father cums all over the daughter, and as he pulls out of his ass, she just unloads a huge pile of diarrhea, and I mean a lot of diarrhea. She’s just unleashing everything she ate from the past week—and she eats a lot of Mexican food. This is enough feces to fill up an old cast-iron bath tub, and the son starts licking out his sister’s asshole (cause he’s into that sorta thing). The smell is too much for the mother, so she just starts projectile vomiting, but she’s still on her back, so she vomits 10 feet up into the air like a fountain, leaving vomit on the ceiling in the shape of an inkblot, which if you squint at it, kind of looks like Orson Welles, or Stewie from Family Guy.
And the entire family collapses from exhaustion into the pile of shit, piss, vomit, cum, and anal dog blood, with the exception of the father, who takes a special fire wand, and writes into the shit, ‘And now for something completely different.’ He whistles, and in through the door walks Jesus and Santa Claus; not two guys dressed as Jesus and Santa Claus, the ACTUAL Jesus and Santa Claus. The family jumps to their feet, and set up an impromptu boxing ring, as the father jumps out the window. The father does an acrobatic dive as he bounces from one canopy to another on his way down, and finally lands in an open air bus. The tourists are stunned, mainly because the father is still naked, and his blood covered cock is wafting in the wind. The father asks the tourists, “Which of you ladies are currently on your period?” About six women raise their hands, and the father takes the PMS patrons, stripping them naked, and nailing them to the outside of the bus. The smell of the menstruation attracts local dogs from the neighborhood, and the dogs follow the women, licking the blood off their toes as it trickles down their legs. The sensation is too much for some of the women, and they start vomiting in the streets. A couple of the tourists who are from New Orleans, stand up, and start screaming, “My God! It’s like Katrina all over again!” and they start having chaotic flashbacks. The father jumps off the bus and runs back to the talent agent’s office.
Meanwhile, the children and mother have started a boxing match between Jesus and Santa, and the two are beating each other senseless. It’s more like cage fighting because Santa Claus keeps sitting on Jesus’ face. As they fight, the children pick up new kazoos, and play, ‘She Blinded Me With Science.’
Suddenly, the father runs in, takes one look at the boxing match and screams, “This is an abomination to the Lord!” and kicks Santa in the testicles. Santa goes down, and while he’s in shock, the father builds a make-shift cross. He grabs Santa by the waist and as Santa struggles (mainly because he thinks the father is going to fuck him in the ass), Santa suffers a panic attack, and starts going into convulsions. The father manages to get Santa nailed to the cross on the floor, as the children play Pat Benatar’s ‘Love Is A Battlefield’ on their kazoos.
Jesus points and LAUGHS at Santa, when the father says, “How dare you make fun of a childhood icon!” and grabs Jesus to make another impromptu cross. He quickly nails Jesus to the cross, to which Jesus screams, “Oh no! Not again!” But instead of just displaying the two, the father positions Jesus’ cross upside-down on top of Santa’s, so they can easily 69 each other. And as Jesus blows Santa, and Santa blows Jesus, the children play Michael Jackson’s ‘Man In The Mirror’.
Then the mother says, “But whatever happened to family values?” and she takes a mallet, and starts slamming on top of the crosses, with all her might. The force collides Jesus and Santa into one another’s crotches, and causes them to bite each other’s dicks off. Blood pours out from the stumps left behind, but the mother keeps whacking and whacking. The children put down their kazoos and look at the growing pool of blood.
“It looks like an oompa-loompa.” says the daughter.
“It looks like a reindeer.” says the son.
“It looks like a race car to me.” says the father.
The mother keeps bashing and bashing away with the mallet.
The daughter says, “Now it looks like a pixie.”
The son says, “No, it looks like a baseball player.”
The father says, “I don’t know kids, I think it looks like a rabbit.”
The mother bashes in Jesus’ and Santa’s skull with all her might until the both are dead, with the smell of rotting flesh wafting through the air like popcorn on a summer’s day.
The father then takes a match, and lights the crucifixes on fire, and with a lovely silhouette effect from the burning carcasses, the family joins hands and takes a bow.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”
And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”
Did you like that? Well check out the documentary about the outrageous and historic joke that has made millions around the world laugh and cringe, The Aristicrats.
