Dear Alyx…

Dear Alyx,

I know you will never feel the way I do, because you are incapable of real love.

How could you be, when you were so willing to throw our relationship away because it no longer benefited you.

You ran away from this relationship, literally.  You took my car, and you ran away to your boyfriend in Northern California.  When a crisis came, you ran away as fast as you could, just like you ran away from college, just like you ran away from nursing school, and just like you ran away from your relationship with Appy.

Considering how your father ran away from you, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

We were together for over half a decade, and you decided to discard my affections. However, you felt the need to go beyond that, and insult me, and demean me.  You systematically sought to undermine my self-confidence and self-worth, because you wanted to make sure you could keep milking me for money.

I paid over $5,000 towards your college tuition, and you didn’t even appreciate that.

I was so foolish to ever put my trust in you.

You are an abusive gas lighting monster, to the point where I still feel miserable inside about my own existence because of all the ways you put me down.

I used to be afraid of dying alone, and then you showed me that dying alone would still be better than spending my life with someone like you.

And the worst thing is, I wish there was a way I could make you love me, I really do, but that’s just not possible.

You didn’t have the guts to break up with me, you just wanted to take advantage of me financially for as long as you could. Well, I hope you die lonely and alone, because it’s what you deserve.

But after I got you out of my life, things got so much better. And I don’t say that from some subjective emotional standpoint, my life tangibly got better once you got out of it. Within weeks of breaking up with you, I have the receipts. I got into 2 paid artist showcases, a film festival, and I even got a scholarship to direct a play.

And the reason for the change was because I spent so much time and energy trying to fix a relationship with someone who didn’t care about me, that I stopped putting energy into myself. Because of your toxic personality, I lost track of who I was and what made me happy.

There is one consoling piece of information. I recently went to visit my one year old nephew.  For the first time in a long time, I felt content, and happy.  As I played with him on the floor, I was so proud that he was my nephew, and I would do anything to protect him, help him, and keep him safe.  You will never know that feeling, because you are so selfish, that you are incapable of loving, and incapable of being loved.  You will never be in his life, and you will never have the opportunity to hurt him.

I hate you so much, because all you left me with was emotional wreckage.

There are no more one mores. I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seem endless. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn’t just grow apart, I grew up, and you didn’t. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately sometimes things don’t break, they shatter.  You shattered this relationship.  You shattered me, and I don’t know if I can put myself back together.

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