Florida Woman Declares War on New York, Claims State Overrun by ‘Aliens’
TALLAHASSEE—Armed with a fistful of papers, a half-empty can of Monster Energy, and the unwavering conviction of a woman who once tried to sue an entire hurricane, Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi took to the podium Wednesday to announce the latest front in her personal war on reality: a federal lawsuit against the state of New York.
“We sued Illinois, and New York didn’t listen, so now, you’re next!” Bondi screeched, slamming her palm on the podium similar to when she repealed fireworks laws, leading to an unprecedented number of nine-fingered plumbers.
According to Bondi, the lawsuit aims to protect “real Americans” from “aliens” who, as she put it, “are infiltrating New York and probably already plotting to replace apple pie with some kind of foreign pastry, like… like baklava or something!”
The lawsuit accuses New York of “horrifying” crimes against America, such as not handing over private DMV data to federal agents and, “not arresting people for merely existing.”
“If New York refuses to let us sneak up on people and drag them away in the middle of the night, then what’s next?” Bondi asked, eyes darting wildly, looking for her next fix of Heisenberg blue. “Are they gonna let them use public transportation? Enter buildings? Breathe our air?”
New York Attorney General Letitia James responded with an official statement calling the lawsuit “another sad, attention-seeking stunt” and assured New Yorkers that Bondi’s theatrics had “about as much legal standing as a alligator in a pantsuit.” Governor Kathy Hochul, meanwhile, dismissed Bondi’s accusations outright. “This is nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt, like when she sued that ice cream company for having too many flavors.”
Bondi, however, remained unfazed by facts. “We will not allow Elon Musk’s concerns about shadowy state governments to be ignored! It’s the shadowy federal government that should take precedence, at least now that we’re in charge.” she declared, though no one had asked her about Musk or shadowy governments.
At one point in her speech, Bondi became visibly emotional, pausing to mutter, “They said I couldn’t sue the Atlantic Ocean, but I showed them.” It was unclear who “they” were, or what exactly she had shown them, but she quickly pivoted back to warning America about the “ominous” rise of aliens legally obtaining driver’s licenses.
“We’ve already seen the damage these so-called ‘license-holders’ can do,” Bondi warned. “They get behind the wheel, drive to their jobs in their spaceships, pay taxes, and next thing you know—BOOM!—they’re fully functioning members of society. It’s disgusting.”
To close out the press conference, Bondi doubled down on her battle against sanctuary cities, calling for a full-scale crackdown on New York and its “alien-loving” leadership. “If New York doesn’t start following orders, I will not hesitate to take further action,” Bondi shouted with drool hitting the front row of reporters like a Gallagher concert. “We’re talking travel bans, economic sanctions, maybe even a tactical invasion! I have personally assembled a Florida militia of four airboat enthusiasts and a gator named Stumpy who will enforce federal law if necessary.”
As she stormed off the stage, a reporter asked if she had any actual legal precedent for her claims. Bondi glared and barked, “And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night!’ We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!” before tripping over a microphone cord and accidentally knocking over the podium.
At press time, New York officials confirmed they were not backing down, but they were “keeping a close eye on Bondi in case she tries to swim up the East River with a Florida state flag and a megaphone.”
