The Cruelty of Polyamory
I have tried poly 3 times in my life, and each time has been a terrible failure. Not because the relationships ended, but because of the ways they ended.
The institution of polyamory is meant for assholes. It was designed by insecure assholes, and it is practiced by insecure assholes. The main practice of polyamory is based on the idea of multiple loves, which sounds great at face value… but so does Communism.
Does polyamory make people worse? Does polyamory make someone a worse person? I believe so. It creates a false sense of entitlement, that makes someone believe they can have it all, and deserve it all.
But you can’t have it all, Alyx!
I personally liken this to the myth created by modern feminism. Original feminism promoted the idea that all men and women are created equal and deserve the same rights in the workplace including pay, salary, benefits, and mutual respect, etc. I completely agree with that. However, modern feminism (or Neo–feminism), promotes an idea that one can have it all. However this is a fallacy, Alyx! While one deserves to pursue their dreams and work hard for what they want, the myth that one can have it all if one pursues it and live a happy life is a falsehood, because logistically it is simply not pragmatic or feasible.
Similarly, with polyamory, the underlying mentality of, “If this person doesn’t satisfy me in every aspect of my life, then I can and should seek other partners,” is inherently destructive. It allows people to dehumanize their partners, allowing them to boil them down to the base qualities of what they can take from them, and thus makes an inherently selfish dynamic.
Sacrifice is inherently necessary in any positive relationship. If we are given whatever we want whenever we want, not only is that selfish, but also does not allow for personal growth. We overcome obstacles over the course of our lives, and it allows us to grow as individuals and build skills such as problem-solving, triumph over adversity, and empathy. With polyamory the underlying precept states that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice, then there is no need for growth, which is why you see several people in the Poly community who suffer from childish immaturities, and thus have problems maintaining a stable job, or any form of stable relationship.
It is an inherently selfish mindset. Just like that time, Alyx, when the covid lockdown was starting, and you quickly packed your bag to abandon me, and drive six hours to go spend time with your other partner.
Too often, people use the label of polyamory as a loophole to get out of any obligations they may have to their partner, for example, the obligation of honesty.
Like that one time you lied to me for an entire year, saying you were looking for a job, but you were really playing Final Fantasy Seven!
But this wasn’t the only time that someone betrayed me. Take for example the second time I tried polyamory. I met a lovely girl who was married, and practicing poly with her husband. On the surface, they were financially comfortable, and opening the relationship because they wanted to keep having sexy fun. Underneath that though was a deeper, darker truth. The wonderful romantic energy that the two met under had faded after only 2 years, and the two had started seeking other partners as replacements. This was a quiet, sotto voce understanding that the two had come to because they didn’t want the wealthy house they built to fall apart.
It gives selfish people an excuse to be selfish, and cruel people an excuse to be cruel.
Right Alyx? Like how you started gaslighting me the last year of our relationship, you said that I have always had a distrust of you that was unfounded. But I didn’t imagine the fact that you lied to me for a year about looking for a job.
- I didn’t imagine the fact that you refused to admit you were depressed, and refused to get help until I threatened to break up with you.
- I didn’t imagine the fact that you were withdrawing and being distant from me between October of 2019 and February of 2020, and refused to hold my hand, or even want to spend time with me.
- I didn’t imagine when I told you I was upset about you going to your Boyfriend’s, and to please not go, you said to me, “Get a grip.”
- And also, I’m not imagining the fact that when I do make an effort to tell you how I feel, you turn it around and blame me. You blame me for my depression, saying that you’re not responsible for any of it. You blame me for you withdrawing and spending more time with your boyfriend.
Author, Kelly Neff, outlined the various ways polyamory should be practiced, in an article defending polyamory. Two of the recommendations that she offered are:
- we communicate about potential partners before we engage in any sexual intimacy or activities with them;
- we share mutual consent for all activities and connections involved;
You hear that Alyx? Communication and consent. You know, like that time when you told me your potential partner had Herpes, and I objected, and you said that you were going to date him anyway!
Or how about that time I told you that I never said I consented to you dating that other partner, and you said you didn’t need my consent because it didn’t affect my body, but I guess my emotions don’t count in your consideration, Alyx!
Neff goes on to say:
- we budget our time accordingly;
- we respect each others feelings;
Yeah, budget your time accordingly, like that time we were watching a movie together, and you stopped the movie halfway through, because your boyfriend wanted to have a movie night, so you literally dropped what we were doing to go do the exact same thing with someone else, Alyx!
Neff also lists:
- and most importantly, we frequently communicate and check with each other.
You hear that Alyx? Communications and check ins? Like that time that you NEVER checked in with me about how I was feeling about your other relationships, for an entire year! Not once did you ask me how I was doing, or how I felt about everything going on. But obviously, you already knew how I felt.
Because, Alyx, my daydreams and fantasies have changed from wanting to run away WITH you, to running away FROM you. The past few months, I have fantasized about you leaving for your boyfriend’s house upstate, then I would fly to Paris the next day, break up with you over text message, living the rest of my life as an artist in Paris, and blowing my brains out when I run out of money. But you wouldn’t know that because you didn’t check in.
The entire premise of polyamory is based on a group of poorly constructed fallacies. In the book, “More Than Two” by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, they make the note that Polyamory is a positive choice because those who engage in Poly learn more and grow more from their many partners. However, this is based on the argument that the only way one can learn from someone is by being romantically or sexually involved with them. I have learned so much from people whom I was in platonic relationships with, even BDSM and sexual techniques which I learned from mentors.
And Alyx, all you learned from your other relationship is how to make homemade yogurt!
Just because someone wants something, doesn’t make it a good idea.
If a teenage woman comes to me and says she wants to cut herself because she’s depressed, should I sell her a packet of razors?
Polyamory is just an excuse to be emotionally abusive to your partner, and gives an excuse to practice cruelty.